In My Dreams I Walk

In the prime of their lives, Kathinka, Marinus and Tony are left permanently in a wheelchair by an accident. Filmmakers Ivanka Bakker and Jacco Groen follow them through their daily lives. How do the three pick up the thread of living again after what has happened? That is the central question of In mijn dromen loop ik (2005).

For dancer Kathinka the fatal accident was twelve years ago. Only now, after all those years, can she watch videos of her dancing career without too much heartache. Slowly but surely, with the support of her partner and an assistance dog, she is learning to give her life a new shape and to do the things she can and wants to do. A different way of moving, and of dancing, is cautiously finding a place in her life.

Marinus is in a serious car accident two and a half years ago, shortly after his honeymoon. His wife, with whom he had been together for fourteen years, leaves him after four months. As he sees it he has lost everything that made life good: parties and wild nights. ‘In the rehabilitation centre I still had some fight in me. I tried to do as much as possible myself.’
Once home, none of that survives. It is far more efficient to let yourself be cared for. The new situation at home weighs on him enormously, and he falls into a depression. In a confronting conversation with the psychiatrist from his rehabilitation period, she puts it to him that he has long since pushed past his limits: ‘You don’t want to die at all.’ We see him gradually able — and willing — to take up his work and his relationships again.

Talented footballer Tony is in the wrong place at the wrong time. He catches six bullets that were not meant for him; one goes straight through his back. Although the doctors are immediately blunt with him — ‘You will never walk again, son’ — Tony believes that with enough training he will come through it. His sister, his mainstay and almost constantly at his side, sees the gravity of the situation and is desperate. ‘I do everything for him, but it is never enough. Because I cannot make him better,’ she repeats, again and again, while Tony lies in bed with a seemingly impassive face. His focus stays on football. The season is nearly over and he is determined to see one of his old club’s last matches live.

Filmmakers Jacco Groen and Ivanka Bakker follow the three protagonists for more than a year. The result is a searching documentary about the struggle of rebuilding a life worth living after losing mobility and independence.

The documentary also gave rise to the educational film Leven met een dwarslaesie (Living with a spinal cord injury), made specifically for the families and close circle of someone with such an injury. It covers subjects such as sexuality and dependence, as well as the medical background.